


I am Small and Needy

by DontFuckWithLarry



Series: Drabbles [1]
Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Happy Ending, M/M, Self Harm, Triggers, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-13
Updated: 2014-05-16
Packaged: 2018-01-08 14:52:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,751
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1133956
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DontFuckWithLarry/pseuds/DontFuckWithLarry
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“You heard me,” Louis stood up straighter, crossing his arms over his broad chest. “Maybe I do love Eleanor more because she isn’t a clingy, suicidal little twat that cries every time she gets yelled at! Maybe I love her more because I don’t have to constantly remind her that she is worth it to live, that she is loved, that she doesn’t need my constant attention to make her smile; maybe that’s why I love her more. Ever think of that?”</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I Am Small and Needy

**Author's Note:**

> So, this is just a little drabble i wrote in like two hours... I felt like shit and just wanted to write the pain away and i did so yeah.... The tittle came from the song Breathe Me by Sia, i suggest you listen to it while reading this. Well yeah... Enjoy? Also this isn't edited because it is a drabble.

“You know what Harry, maybe I do love Eleanor more than you!” Louis spat at Harry, watching as Harry froze and turned towards Louis; tears beginning to roll down Harry’s cheeks.

“W-what?” Harry couldn’t move, he knew what he was getting into when he confronted Louis about why he was spending so much of their time with her, knew that it was going to become an argument but what he didn’t know was that Louis was going to confirm what he had been thinking from day one.

“You heard me,” Louis stood up straighter, crossing his arms over his broad chest. “Maybe I do love Eleanor more because she isn’t a clingy, suicidal little twat that cries every time she gets yelled at! Maybe I love her more because I don’t have to constantly remind her that she is worth it to live, that she is loved, that she doesn’t need my constant attention to make her smile; maybe that’s why I love her more. Ever think of that?”

Louis words floated around in his head, burned themselves into his brain. Everything that he had said was true; he was a clingy, suicidal little twat that cried every time he was yelled at. Having to be reminded every day that he was worth it, so he was told, to live; that he was loved and that he did need Louis constant attention just to smile, all of it was true and he hated that it was. It wasn’t his fault that he was fucked up in every little way.

He shut his eyes tightly, willing his tears away. He took a couple of deep breathes before re-opening his eyes, “Yes, Louis.” Harry hissed, “I do think of that, every fucking day to be exact! Thank you for proving what I thought was true, just thanks! How about you go fuck her now? Hm, let her know that you have finally told the suicidal twat what you actually think of him! Why don’t you go and do that!” Harry screamed, breaking on the inside. All he wanted to do was go upstairs and cut his wrists until he didn’t feel anymore; until his wrists were covered in little cuts, bleeding and bleeding and bleeding and not stopped.

“Maybe I will, goodbye Harry.” Louis spoke calmly, not even sparing a glance at the younger boy who was obviously breaking even more by the second. The door slammed and Harry didn’t even flinch; eyes remained downwards. He was alone, all alone. No one cared about him anymore, he had pushed them all away due to his ways. Even the one person who had been their to kiss his worries away when someone said he should die or that he didn’t deserve to be alive had left as well.

But no one caring about him anymore meant that he couldn’t hurt anyone anymore with what he was about to do. Harry slowly walked up the stairs to now his bedroom, looking around. He looked at the bed they slept on, only just waking up a couple of hours ago when everything was perfect as could be, at least for Harry.

Harry shook his head, every little thing in this room reminded him that he fucked everything up and was greedy because he needed the attention that Louis gave him, it only made him want to do this more.

He walked into the bathroom and turned on the shower, but only using the hot water. He needed to punish himself for what he has done, making Louis suffer with his existence and everyone else that had loved him.

He slowly took off his clothing, folding them into a neat stack on top of the toilet seat before stepping under the hot, boiling water; only hissing slightly as the water burned his pale skin. Tears stung his eyes as he let the water rain on him, it wasn’t enough. He needs to be punished more; he needed to cut himself.

But he couldn’t, Louis had thrown away all of his razors when he had found them months ago, claiming that he didn’t need to cut himself, that he was perfect and wasn’t fucked up; lies all fucking lies. Harry closed his eyes, squeezing them shut and then slammed his fist into the shower wall, cracking the tile and making his knuckles bleed. He opened his eyes, he still needed more.

Harry burst through the shower doors, splashing water everywhere but he didn’t care, he needed to find Louis’ razor. He opened up every cabinet, throwing things every which way searching for it and then he saw it. Sitting in the back of the medicine cabinet; he grabbed it quickly and stepped back under the shower head, the water slightly cooler.

Harry sat on the shower floor trying to break the razor to get what he needed but it wasn’t working. He was smashing it on everything in sight that could possibly break it but it wasn’t going to break. He let out a scream of frustration before throwing the razor against the wall, curling himself into a ball; crying. Repeating the words “You haven’t been punished enough Harry, you made Louis suffer just so you could be happy, you need to be punished some more” out loud until he was screaming them at the top of his lungs.

Harry pushed himself back up and over the drain. If he couldn’t cut he would purge just so he could feel his throat burn and eyes sting in pain. He quickly shoved three of his fingers down his throat, gagging himself. He took a deep breath and tightened his throat, clawing the back of his throat with his nails and threw up; he threw up everything he had had in the last 24 hours, the only thing coming up now was bile and blood but it still wasn’t enough, he hadn’t been punished enough.

He removed his fingers from his mouth and turned his head, looking for something, just something to relive the pain and that was when he spotted it, the bottle that would put him to sleep forever, lying on the cold wet floor with everything else he had thrown.

Harry wiped his tears slowly before getting up and grabbing the bottle. He was finally going to end it and no one would be hurt by it, Louis flat out said that he didn’t love him anymore and he was the last person who cared so he was guilt free, he didn’t feel an ounce of guilt when he opened the bottle, nor when he poured a good twenty to twenty-five sleeping pills into his hand and still didn’t feel any when he swallowed all of them in one go.

He now lay on the bathroom floor, waiting for it to all end and as wrong as it sounded, he could not wait. He was finally going to be free. As time passed he started to get sleepy but that’s when he remembered he should at least write Louis a note letting him know he was sorry for making him suffer with him, that he at least enjoyed their time together and hoped he did at least a little as well.

He grabbed his pen from his jeans that were laying folded up on the toilet and the little notebook that they had in here so they could sketch out tattoo ideas while they were having a bath together and began writing;

**_Dear Louis, if you are reading this, that means you have came back from Eleanor’s to most likely get your stuff so you could move in with her. I understand, I was a horrible boyfriend; I just needed to hear those three little words even if you didn’t mean them. I’m sorry I was an annoying, clingy, suicidal little twat that needed your attention a lot. I’m truly sorry. I’m sorry I made you suffer with me; I hope you have a happy life with her._ **

****

**_Goodbye, Louis… I love you._ **

Harry couldn’t help that he could barely keep his eyes open when he laid the note down onto his clothes, couldn’t help the fact that he fell down seconds later either. He smiled; he was finally going to be in peace. He couldn’t keep his eyes open anymore so he kept them closed, listening to the birds chip outside the window. It was so peaceful until he heard a door being slammed shut and someone running up the stairs but couldn’t bring himself to care who it was, no one could save him now and he was happy because of that.

He could barely hear the door being burst open and someone screaming “help, help, please, he overdosed” and then crying. He was so numb he barely felt himself being lifted up into someone’s lap and his curls played with, he only knew it was Louis when he whispered, “Harry, I am so sorry… I didn’t mean it” and that’s when he felt guilty.

“No, I-I’m sorry…” Harry forced out, using every ounce of strength he had left to say it. He could faintly hear crying before he was gone, free, sleeping for the rest of eternity, feeling guilty.


	2. Wrap Me Up, Hold Me Tight and Breathe Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Louis stood and watched as they lowered Harry into the ground, sinking to his knees as tears spilled from his eyes. This was his fault, his. Why did say those things when he knew, he fucking knew, Harry was unstable. Why couldn’t he just go back and stop himself, stop himself from saying those things, stop himself for ever getting mad at Harry for something he was only pointing out and wondering why. 
> 
> Louis curled up into a ball on the tall, wet grass, sobbing to himself for what he had caused. He wanted to scream, scream out of anger for what he had fucking caused. The love of his life was gone, fucking gone because of him. The one person who he had loved so much it hurt, but that hurt was now replaced with a new kind of hurt. The worst hurt you could ever feel and that was loss and regret. He never wanted to love ever again…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uhh, so this took longer than i expected to update.... I've re-written this so many times i've lost count! There will be another ending, that ending will be a sad ending so it will be loaded with trigger warnings! Um, I still think this is shit but enjoy? I guess...

_Louis stood and watched as they lowered Harry into the ground, sinking to his knees as tears spilled from his eyes. This was his fault, his. Why did say those things when he knew, he fucking knew, Harry was unstable. Why couldn’t he just go back and stop himself, stop himself from saying those things, stop himself for ever getting mad at Harry for something he was only pointing out and wondering why._

_Louis curled up into a ball on the tall, wet grass, sobbing to himself for what he had caused. He wanted to scream, scream out of anger for what he had fucking caused. The love of his life was gone, fucking gone because of him. The one person who he had loved so much it hurt, but that hurt was now replaced with a new kind of hurt. The worst hurt you could ever feel and that was loss and regret. He never wanted to love ever again…_

 

-

 

Louis screamed as he woke up, nearly falling out of the hospital chair he had sat in for the last 24 hours; panting he sat up straighter trying to calm himself down from that horrible nightmare, or could he even call it a nightmare? It was what he had done but Harry _wasn’t_ dead.

Louis looked over at Harry, making sure he was still there and alive. Just like he had been doing since he had arrived. Louis looked over Harry’s face, he was beyond pale, almost paler then the white walls around them; his dark circles more visible and prominent. Louis’ eyes went down Harry’s body, looking at all the wires and needles that were stuck into his fragile body, all the machines that they were connected to. Harry looked like he was on deaths door, he basically was.

The doctors had told him that they had pumped his stomach and got most of the pills out but they weren’t quite sure if they had gotten to him in time so his chances of dying were still pretty even with his chances of living.

He put his head into his hands, sighing and willing his tears to go away; he couldn’t cry now, not in front of Harry. Harry, the love of his life, Harry, the only person he has ever loved, Harry, the person who tried to kill themselves because of him, Harry…

A tear slipped down his face as he looked back up, to look at Harry again before turning his attention to the person who has been standing in the door way for who knows how long.

“May I help you?” Louis asked, wiping away the fallen tear; staring blankly at the nurse.

“I heard someone scream and thought something was wrong… Is everything alright Mr. Tomlinson?” The nurse looked at him with concern, stepping further into the room and closing the door behind her.

Louis sighed, his hand raking through his already ruffled hair. “Just a horrible… Nightmare… That’s all.”

The nurse hummed while he sat and watched as the nurse check over Harry, inserting something into the tube that was in his arm. He wanted to question what it was but was cut off by the nurse.

“He should be waking up soon,” she turned her head and looked at the clock that was hanging on the wall, “Maybe later in the day, maybe in an hour or two, tomorrow even; who knows really, but soon.” The nurse smiled.

Louis breath hitched, Harry was most likely waking up today which means he would be able to talk to him. Louis frowned, would Harry even want to talk to him after what happened?

“You know Mr. Tomlinson, I know something is bothering you but if you don’t want to tell me that’s fine but I assure you, it’s all going to work out. Just give it some time.” Louis gave her a small smile before she left and once the door slipped shut he closed his eyes and rested his head against the wall, sighing for the billionth time today.

Louis eyes snapped open from his unexpected slumber by two nurses speaking rather loudly while standing next to Harry’s bed he was about to close his eyes again, thinking it was just the nurses giving him a sponge bath when he heard his voice, Harry’s voice.

Louis eyes snapped open and he stood up, almost falling over in the process, to get next to Harry. The nurse moved aside to let him by and when Louis eyes landed on Harry, he was still oh so pale, his dark circles were a tad bit better, his hair was absolutely a mess but he was still so fucking beautiful and fucking alive. He was alive, fucking alive.

Louis practically threw himself onto Harry, but gently since Harry was probably weak, and hugged him tightly, kissing all over his face and mumbling ‘sorry’ into Harry’s skin over and over again.

One of the nurses cleared their throat making Louis straighten up, remembering they weren’t out yet and hoped that was passed as friendly.

“We’ll give you two a few minutes alone.” The other nurse said, closing the door.

After a few minutes a of silence Louis spoke up, “Harry, I can’t tell you how much I fucking hate myself for saying those things… How so- so sorry I am, I… I can’t even express how sorry I am, I’m just so-“  
“Shut it Lou,” Harry said, cutting him off. Louis looked up, afraid of what Harry was going to say. “I get it; you wanted her more so you left me. That’s fine, you don’t have to be my knight in shining armor anymore, you can run off with her and we’ll stay as friends…” Harry spoke softly, letting a few tears slip down his pale face.

Louis was taken back, is that what Harry thought? “Harry, no. I don’t want her, I never did or will. I want you, only you. You are the love of my life, the light of my life, the ship to my compass, the ‘hi’ to my ‘oops’, my everything. I never want anyone else, only you… That is if you’ll still have me…” Louis looked up at Harry, eyes full of hope and a little hint of worry.

Harry smiled and grabbed Louis’ hand. “I really want to have you Louis, but… I need help before we could ever fully be what we were again… Nether of us know what will happen next time you get angry and I get suicidal… I could have-“ Harry choked out a sob, cutting himself off.

Louis cupped Harry’s face into his hands and laid a sweet and gentle kiss onto Harry’s lips, “Shh, don’t think about that, just think about our future, okay?” Harry gave a small, meek nod. “I can promise you we’ll get you help as long as you want to, I don’t want to force you to get any. I also promise that I will never ever blow up at you again, never.” Louis kissed Harry’s forehead before resting his against it. “I love you and I almost lost you… I’m never going to let that happen again, ever.”

Harry slowly nodded before placing his lips onto Louis’, “I love you too, forever and always.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos and comments are very appreciated! So please leave them! Thanks for reading this shit.

**Author's Note:**

> Please leave kudos and comments, it seriously makes my day when i see them. And the second part of my camboy!louis will be up by the end of the week hopefully.


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